Complaints to the Council

[Mercurian]

These are supposed to be genuine complaints to the Council in the UK:

1: My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.

2: He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can't take any more.

3: Its the dog mess I find hard to swallow.

4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob
off.

5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think
it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8: My lavatory is cracked, where do I stand?

9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and split into 3 pieces.

17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and it’s now getting too much for me.

18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19: Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.

20: I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but I still get no satisfaction.

23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still can’t get BBC2.